Code Trawling in my Dreams

A very strange dream occurred to me last night, causing me to wake up and think "I will not be that person".
Whether it was the whiskey, the painkillers I am taking for my shoulder, or the serious misgivings I have about going to my MA course on a Tuesday, I dont know, but it gave me cause to ponder.
In my dream, there was a very scary bint of a woman, long straight flint grey hair, spectacles on a chain, giving a lecture to a room of terrified and bemused students. She was talking about "code-trawling" and how that applied to an extended family from some remote part of the US and how they developed their own language and syntax or some other way of communicating with each other. I cant remember the exact details but this woman had clearly done a shitload of research and travelling and lived in a very unique world of her own, a world that others felt pretty much excluded from and a world that no-one else cared about nor really wanted to step foot in. This woman was really dogmatic and obsessed, and that came over as a terrifying dominance - almost aggressive - and that is what made me think "I dont want to be this person". I'd rather be a nice sweet little old lady painting landscapes in a cottage in the country than this scary bint of a woman.

Smile and the world smiles with you, frown and you're on your own...

I read an interesting article in the London Paper today - written by a man - that substantiates my arguements on how unfair life is on women. He was explaining how a smile on a man is not considered as sexy as a frown, and how a man who looks serious is considered to have a serious life, and thats why he looks all deep and conflicted. They have to beat women off with sticks, and the more distant and withdrawn they are the more desirable they are, as famously mentioned by Rasputin. But the reverse is true with women. We have to have an open and generous smile the whole time otherwise men will think less of us. At best they'll think we're hormonal, at worst a man-hating neurotic witch. Why is a frown sexy on a bloke but makes a woman a miserable bitch?

I have plenty to make me a bit insecure and pensive at the moment and quite frankly smiling is hard work and either I cant be bothered to make the effort or the tears come first, yes I am whinging but I am at least sincere and honest, and besides if you cant gripe behind an electronic alias where can you? I found a quiet moment in a corner of the uni library (when I finally found it, 50 yards down the road in the drizzle) when I just wanted to well up, I just cant decide whether I still belong in this MA or not. I took part in the seminar today, played the game, even scored a few points, but its a hollow victory in a game that takes too much energy (not to mention time and money). There's no soul in those interactions and I reckon that's why art is so soulless these days. Express a personal point of view and you lose. Its worse than a game, its more like an ecosystem, in a certain environment you either thrive or perish, or just about survive against all competition and predators. Show a weak spot or slow down and you die.